Small steps. Not perfection

Today when I woke up, we were pretty slim on groceries.
I decided to hit up Tim Hortons on the way to the grocery store to fuel us up before the shop.  I grabbed my regular, ice capp and breakfast sandwich.
Most times this would give me the excuse to continue derailed for the day, but today I won. I stayed on plan for the rest of the day, and even did 10 minutes on my stairmaster.

I seized my motivation and cleaned my kitchen, spent a good hour with the kids in the laundry room sorting all our laundry and *gasp* even putting it away in the dressers. I must be over achieving or something.

The night ended with getting back on track with our bedtime routine and having all the kids asleep by 8pm.

When we had Landon, we were awesome about his bedtime routine.  Anna came a long and we wavered but were still pretty good.  When I was pregnant with Whit, Landon started sleeping with us a lot.  Once Whitney was born, Daddy did bedtimes. It was like my peaceful time with Whitney.  Until last week, Whitney had fallen asleep with me and gone to my bed every single night, so transitioning her out of my bed has been a pretty big deal.  On one hand, it makes me sad because I really enjoy co-sleeping with her.   I realize though at this point in our lives, me being on my own with the kids, no breaks and working full-time, I really need the hour or two of down time for myself in the evenings.  So, I am making bedtimes a priority and trying to get everyone into a good healthy bedtime routine.

I am so busy with everything in my life I need to force myself to make time for ME.  It helps me become a better Mom for my children, and I need to be at my best especially since I am their main person right now.

I was feeling pretty down earlier.  I keep having these dreams where I am with a partner, and I am so happy. When I wake up, it just sucks.  Especially when I am working so hard to learn how to be happy on my own without anyone else.

Sometimes I worry that I will never find another person. I could be on my own for the rest of my life.  This scares me.  Its something that I haven't had to worry about for the last 10 years.  I had who I thought was my person, my best friend. There is always the possibility that he *could* change, and we could have our happy family back together, but I can't live my life holding my breathe especially with our history.

So now my mission is to just find happiness in this new reality.One baby step at a time.